At 21 I had my first daughter Phoebe. It was like my dreams came true overnight; the baby that we had longed for was going to be entering the world. I couldn’t wait to be a mum. But being a mum wasn’t quiet as I’d expected, I struggled with my mental health; and having the support to be the best mum I could be? I refused to find it! This is my story of accepting support with my mental health in the perinatal period
Deciding to conceive again…
Roll on 2 years and our sassy, independent little girl was about to become a big sister. My husband & I had conversations about the struggles that I had had with my mental health after having Phoebe. He was fearful of these returning if we had another baby. Although….they never could return if they never really went. See, when I had Phoebe I hit a brick wall when trying to access support. My own fear of judgment, fear of prejudice because of my age and because I truly believed by taking that step in asking for help I was somehow failing. Because of this I just kept on ignoring my difficulties & pretending they weren’t there.
Opening up about my mental health
I remember being handed my green maternity notes at my 8 week appointment when I was pregnant with Oscar. Filling it out excitedly, until I came to the question ‘do I or have I suffered with any mental health problems’. I had a choice, I tick no & I say that I’m fine; I waltz into my appointment with the brave face on I’d been so used to wearing. Or I tick yes & be brave and tell all. I give in, ask for help; and when I get offered that help I accept it with open arms.
Ticking yes in my maternity notes was the first step on my road to recovery. The only regret I have is not doing it sooner! My pregnancy with Oscar was scary. My anxiety was sky high. With a history of an eating disorder as well, the pressure pregnancy put on my body was pushing me deeper into a world of fear, guilt and shame. But I had already put myself out there & asked for support. I was waiting for an appointment with the perinatal mental health team; the midwife promised she would send the referral off at my 8 week appointment. But at 38 weeks pregnant I still hadn’t heard a thing. I was sad & I felt deflated; I was scared I hadn’t met the right criteria to be worthy of help.
At my 38 week appointment I decided to be brave again. I told my husband I was going to chase them up; I wanted my appointment so I was going to get it. It was then that I saw an overwhelming wave of support. An amazing midwife did all the chasing for me. She would check in with me every couple of days; when she asked me how I was, I knew she really meant it. And when I turned up at the hospital in labour, she was there by chance and was the most welcomed face!!
A tidal wave of support
This midwife then pushed me to open up to my health visitor, and my health visitor was incredible. From dialing the number for the perinatal mental health team for me when I was too scared to do it, to visiting me weekly for the first couple of months; she was there cheering me on and helping me see my worth. It was because of this health visitor that I got my appointment and I am where I am now, working on me.
The support that I got from the perinatal mental health team was amazing; for the first time in years I felt the real feeling of being cared for. I felt supported and safe. A year on, I am still under a perinatal physiologist taking more steps to help me be the calm, confident, best mum I can be. I am so proud of me. Making the decision to have another baby, knowing that I was potentially making things worse for myself ,was scary and a decision that we didn’t take lightly.
Looking back
Having Oscar brought up its own challenges. From a suspected pulmonary embolism to hemorrhaging after birth, it was all pretty traumatic and dragged a lot up from the past. Looking back now I struggle to remember much from the first 6 to 10 months of Oscars life. I look at photos and still can’t remember the moments they were taken. My head was so busy surviving, living in fight or flight mode that all those memories were over ridden. It was exhausting!
But a year on, a year of being a family of 4, a year of Phoebe being a big sister; I have a lot to thank Oscar for. Without him I never would have taken that first step to ask for help at my 8 week midwife appointment. I never would have met the incredible people I have on my journey and I never would have understood that the way I had been feeling wasn’t my fault.
I am a mum, surviving, looking after my babies the best that I can.
Ask for help and take it.
Accessing support is scary, but it’s out there, you are worthy of it.
Beth, 24
If you’re struggling with your mental health then check out our ‘Looking After Yourself‘ page for some useful resources – but most importantly reach out for support!
If you want more information on the campaign for better support for maternal mental health (including safe peer support) then have a look at the Maternal Mental Health Alliance