Breastfeeding grief
Maybe like me you did everything you were supposed to…
You did the antenatal classes, got all the breast pads, the Hakka pump, knew the theory behind latch and a supportive partner prepared to make tonnes of drinks & food to give you space.
Maybe like me you never thought it might not work out for you.
A few weeks in to breastfeeding my son, I knew something wasn’t right.
I was crying through every feed in agony, using towels instead of muslins, days and nights full of screaming and a baby that I just couldn’t console.
And I remember thinking, how am I getting this so wrong, I must be a rubbish mum, this wasn’t what I planned, maybe I shouldn’t have had a baby.
After 4 weeks we tried a hypoallergenic formula thinking it would make everything better.
Upset at cutting our breastfeeding journey short but just wishing for a child who wasn’t it pain I dove straight in.
Unfortunately it wasn’t the magic bullet we hoped for and it took another 7 months in a COVID healthcare system to get the support he needed.
All that time I was so angry at the doctors, health visitors but mostly at myself for not doing what was supposed to be the most natural thing in the world.
So when I was carrying my daughter I thought this time would be different.
I knew so much more about tongue ties, allergies, accessing the right support.
And yet it unfolded in such a different way, still so different from what I imagined but with formula and towels replaced by triple feeding, endless pumping, supplemental systems.
Questioning myself, blaming my body and wondering how I had gotten it so wrong again.
In reality, there are so many of us who have had these experiences.
Who have longed for feeding our babies to feel easy.
Maybe sat in cafe and felt a wash of shame when you pull out a bottle of formula.
Felt a pang of guilt when someone comes up to your friend and congratulates them for breastfeeding in public.
We have had to come to terms with the fact that just wasn’t how it was for us and grieve the journey that we had wished for.
But please know it wasn’t and never has been your fault.
As people we can only ever do the best we can with the information we have at the time.
And it isn’t always easy to navigate what the right thing is and for some of us. Maybe we just don’t like any of the options available.
But I want you to know this…
No matter how your feeding journey unfolded, I see that you have always tried to do the right thing for your baby.
Nobody can ever ask for you to do more than that.
And that is what makes you the best possible parent for your baby.
One day, I hope you too can look back on your journey and instead of beating yourself up for what you didn’t do you instead feel proud.
Proud of how much you advocated, listened to your intuition, how you were there for your child through those long nights, how much you fought for them. Maybe you helped someone feel less alone in their journey not going to plan.
Because you really do have so much to feel proud of.
For more support with feeding your baby BreastFeeding – Early Nourishment
The UK’s leading charity for parents | NCT
La Leche League GB – Friendly breastfeeding support from pregnancy onwards
ABM – ABM Breastfeeding Support
The Breastfeeding Network | Independent Breastfeeding Support